Fortune Cookie
Pratfalls, Diets, and Beds. Oh my.
So, what have I been doing for the past month? My adoring audience wants to know, I'm sure. (Perhaps "adoring audience" is too strong of a phrase. Maybe "somewhat curious occasional readers of my blog" is more accurate. Whichever. I still adore you.) And if you didn't even realize that I haven't posted in a whole month, well, I'll tell you what I've been doing anyway.
I've won wars. I've swum oceans. I've wooed men and beheaded mermaids. I've plummeted to the very depths of the earth and have climbed back out, emerging victorious over the evil hordes that tried so desperately to vanquish me. I've explored undiscovered continents and I've conquered the hoary denizens of my enemy. So it's been a busy month. (Perhaps there was something to my last fortune cookie after all: "No one knows what he can do until he tries.")
Well, to be perfectly honest, I didn't woo men. And I haven't exactly conquered the hoary denizens of my enemy, though I did thwart them quite a bit setting them back more than a few paces. But the rest is absolutely true. So it's been a fairly good month, even taking into consideration all the injuries.
I don't know what it is about me and January, but the last two have been filled with more falls than you find in the average Three Stooges video. Seriously, it's been nothing but pratfalls and slap-schtick 'round these parts lately. January 2005 brought nothing but pain, in which I permanently injured my right wrist and broke my glasses, along with other assorted scraped and bruises. January 2006 ended with a painful back and an injured knee. Still, even with the pain, it's still been a good month.
I lost 12 pounds last month. (And I only tried for 2.5 weeks!) And that makes up for the pain. I started following the Nutrisystem plan a few weeks ago. If you're not familiar with Nutrisystem, I'll explain. You purchase pre-packaged entrees from Nutrisystem and supplement them with fresh fruits, vegetables, and dairy. I spent about $200 for 4 weeks worth of breakfasts, lunches, dinners, and desserts. It's a pretty good deal for the food - it only costs about $9 per day.
The problem with Nutrisystem is the food itself. It sucks. Seriously. It's horrible. They do things to beef that should be illegal. I'm fairly sure that it's a sin at least. The "desserts" are mainly servings of soy chips in various flavors. Never had soy chips? Oh, let me share with you the unholy wonder of soy chips! Imagine a 2-inch diameter piece of Styrofoam, about half of an inch thick with dimples, that has the consistency of rice cakes and the taste of… the taste is pretty indescribable.
They don't taste like anything really. Oh, the manufacturers (I refuse to call the people who made these things "cooks" or "chefs") coat the little soy chips in powdery flavors they call "sour cream and onion" and "barbeque," but the name of the flavor has very little to do with the actual taste of the chip. Perhaps they should preface the "flavor" of the chip on the little bag with these words: "Our best approximation of", "What we're calling the flavored colored powder that covers the soy chips is", or "We tried to make this taste like".
So the packages would say:
"Our best approximation of
SOUR CREAM AND ONION.
SOY CHIPS."
Or
"What we're calling the flavored colored powdered that covers this pack of
SOY CHIPS:
BARBEQUE."
Or even
"We tried to make this taste like
SOUR CREAM AND ONION.
SOY CHIPS."
Actually, those prefaces could be applied to just about every food item I tried. I think this would be much more honest on the part of Nutrisystem. [If I were more enterprising, I'd actually photoshop those words onto a bag of Nutrisystem soy chips. Alas.]
I'm sure that Nutrisystem is more of a healthy diet than any other I've tried, I'm just not sure if the system itself is responsible for my weight loss or if the side effects of the system are responsible. (Possible TMI ahead.) Yeah, I'm not sure if the plan was responsible for the weight loss or if my frequent trips to the bathroom after eating the prepackaged food was responsible. Either way, I lost 8 pounds on the Nutrisystem plan and 4 pounds after I quit it last week. And I didn't exercise (feel good excuse: the current bad knee and still tender back).
So, what have I been doing for the past month? My adoring audience wants to know, I'm sure. (Perhaps "adoring audience" is too strong of a phrase. Maybe "somewhat curious occasional readers of my blog" is more accurate. Whichever. I still adore you.) And if you didn't even realize that I haven't posted in a whole month, well, I'll tell you what I've been doing anyway.
I've won wars. I've swum oceans. I've wooed men and beheaded mermaids. I've plummeted to the very depths of the earth and have climbed back out, emerging victorious over the evil hordes that tried so desperately to vanquish me. I've explored undiscovered continents and I've conquered the hoary denizens of my enemy. So it's been a busy month. (Perhaps there was something to my last fortune cookie after all: "No one knows what he can do until he tries.")
Well, to be perfectly honest, I didn't woo men. And I haven't exactly conquered the hoary denizens of my enemy, though I did thwart them quite a bit setting them back more than a few paces. But the rest is absolutely true. So it's been a fairly good month, even taking into consideration all the injuries.
I don't know what it is about me and January, but the last two have been filled with more falls than you find in the average Three Stooges video. Seriously, it's been nothing but pratfalls and slap-schtick 'round these parts lately. January 2005 brought nothing but pain, in which I permanently injured my right wrist and broke my glasses, along with other assorted scraped and bruises. January 2006 ended with a painful back and an injured knee. Still, even with the pain, it's still been a good month.
I lost 12 pounds last month. (And I only tried for 2.5 weeks!) And that makes up for the pain. I started following the Nutrisystem plan a few weeks ago. If you're not familiar with Nutrisystem, I'll explain. You purchase pre-packaged entrees from Nutrisystem and supplement them with fresh fruits, vegetables, and dairy. I spent about $200 for 4 weeks worth of breakfasts, lunches, dinners, and desserts. It's a pretty good deal for the food - it only costs about $9 per day.
The problem with Nutrisystem is the food itself. It sucks. Seriously. It's horrible. They do things to beef that should be illegal. I'm fairly sure that it's a sin at least. The "desserts" are mainly servings of soy chips in various flavors. Never had soy chips? Oh, let me share with you the unholy wonder of soy chips! Imagine a 2-inch diameter piece of Styrofoam, about half of an inch thick with dimples, that has the consistency of rice cakes and the taste of… the taste is pretty indescribable.
They don't taste like anything really. Oh, the manufacturers (I refuse to call the people who made these things "cooks" or "chefs") coat the little soy chips in powdery flavors they call "sour cream and onion" and "barbeque," but the name of the flavor has very little to do with the actual taste of the chip. Perhaps they should preface the "flavor" of the chip on the little bag with these words: "Our best approximation of", "What we're calling the flavored colored powder that covers the soy chips is", or "We tried to make this taste like".
So the packages would say:
SOUR CREAM AND ONION.
SOY CHIPS."
Or
SOY CHIPS:
BARBEQUE."
Or even
SOUR CREAM AND ONION.
SOY CHIPS."
Actually, those prefaces could be applied to just about every food item I tried. I think this would be much more honest on the part of Nutrisystem. [If I were more enterprising, I'd actually photoshop those words onto a bag of Nutrisystem soy chips. Alas.]
I'm sure that Nutrisystem is more of a healthy diet than any other I've tried, I'm just not sure if the system itself is responsible for my weight loss or if the side effects of the system are responsible. (Possible TMI ahead.) Yeah, I'm not sure if the plan was responsible for the weight loss or if my frequent trips to the bathroom after eating the prepackaged food was responsible. Either way, I lost 8 pounds on the Nutrisystem plan and 4 pounds after I quit it last week. And I didn't exercise (feel good excuse: the current bad knee and still tender back).
So I'm looking for a bed. I recently fell asleep on the couch one night and woke up the next morning to find my back pain was gone. So for two weeks I slept on the couch. That promptly stopped when I hurt my knee. Sleeping on the couch hurts my knee since I can't straighten my leg. So (understanding that I can't afford to buy a bed right now) I have a choice between two options: 1) I can do my back a favor by sleeping on the couch, thereby hurting my knee, or 2) I can help my knee out by sleeping in my bed, thereby hurting my back. The past few nights I've chosen to sleep in my bed, simply because my knee hurt the worst. Now that the knee is getting better, I've begun to notice that my back is getting worse after sleeping in bed for the past few days. So I'm going to make a prediction: I'll end up with a weekly rotation between the bed and couch.
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